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Sunday, August 18, 2013

Holding On Tight

So - everything makes me cry...maybe it's hormones, maybe it's the weather, or maybe it's just that I realize how precious every moment is. That doesn't mean I don't lose my cool with the children, cut my husband off mid-sentence, or hit the drive through instead of making a healthy home cooked meal ... I'm human after all.

Maybe you've heard my story about my father and I won't keep you stuck here reading the details...but the short version is he was already sick when I was born, then was diagnosed as terminal by the time I was in highschool, and he passed away right after teaching me to drive a car. He didn't care about things like new clothes, fancy haircuts, or becoming famous. The things he prayed for were simple: He wanted to see his little girl graduate, he wanted to walk me down the aisle, and he wanted to hold his grandchildren. Unfortunately, none of those things came true for him. His will to live was so great that despite the pain he put on a smile and fought for just one more breath.

Maybe that's why suicide doesn't make sense to me. I understand sorrow and being lonely. After my dad died I even contemplated suicide because I desperately wanted to be in heaven with him. However, now I have my own children and my dreams mirror my fathers: I want to see my children graduate, I want to help my daughter pick out a wedding dress, I want to see my son beaming with pride when a girl says yes to going to prom with him (that's assuming he falls out of love with me - but he's 5...hey, we've got time), and I want to hold my grandchildren.

I was cleaning the house the other day and the song How do You get that Lonely came on the radio (see lyrics above) and that really sums it up for me. How do you become so lonely that you you take your own life when there are others that are holding on so tight? I'm not judging - I just really don't understand. My wish for those who are lonely is simply that someone would notice your pain and give you a hug and that you would find something worth holding onto. This afternoon I watched a movie on television about a woman who lost her husband to war and I held both children in my arms and sobbed - we talked about how mommy wouldn't know what to do if she lost one of her babies or daddy and then we talked about how sad it was to lose my own daddy. My 5 year old son wrapped his arms around me and said "shhh mommy, it's going to be okay, I'll be careful" and you know what? I hope if he is ever lonely that I notice and can do the same for him...because the thought of something happening to someone I love is incredibly painful, but the thought that they would give up instead of holding on tight is an even greater that I hope we never have to face.

May your paths be abundantly filled with lemons, sugar, sunshine, and plenty of people to hold onto and who will hold you up!



  1. Crystal, I appreciate this blog so much. Your words are profound and saddening. I am so sorry that you lost your father so soon. I just lost my father a few years ago. He was 75, but even then it was a hard loss to take. I can only imagine what it was for you. And I understand completely why it is so hard for you to think about anyone giving up their life voluntarily. Unfortunately, many people go through times and events and illnesses that they have enormous trouble dealing with. I am glad you are so nonjudgmental. Depression is a very real problem for many people, and we need to be understanding of them, and, like you said, give them a hug whenever we see the need...or even when we don't.

  2. Hi Crystal, I truly understand about feeling down and wondering why as I am so very Blessed. My oldest follows in my foot steps and I can tell when he's down. I once told him that a certain song made me think of him, he asked which one and I told him..."I Hope You Dance". He tried to brush it off but I know his feelings as they're the same as mine.
    I was told that my depression was a chemical reaction in the brain. Got on meds and will never forget the day my hubby held me and said it's so good to have my wife back.
    It's still a daily battle but if I make a list of things that HAVE to be done, it helps. I sincerely pray that people become more aware of the ones around them and HOLD them. TOUCH is a powerful medicine.

  3. I am totally with you on this Crystal, suicide ia a very selfish thing. If a person doesn't care about themself, they need to stop and think about all those who love them. The person may think they are ending their pain, but they are giving a lifetime of it to those who love them.