Sometimes I wonder if I'm too hard on the children. Am I too hard on them? Too hard on myself? Do I expect too much from others? I have plenty of these sorts of questions and not many answers. What I do know is this: once someone is gone it's too late to handle them with care and lavish them with love. Tonight I'm reeling from a phone call I received telling me someone had hung themselves but I'm not necessarily talking about absence by death. Once my children are in college, it's a little difficult to hold them on my lap and baking them some banana bread doesn't have quite the same effect as making it together while laughing and doubling the amount of chocolate chips we add to the recipe.
There are days I chase the children up to bed and sigh thinking "finally a few moments to myself" but you know what? In a few short years I am going to have so many moments to myself that I'm going to cry myself to sleep wishing my house was filled with laughter, arguing, and the sound of children running up and down the stairs. I'm not going to give anyone advice on how to parent or what kind of friend to be. All I can say is tonight I'm left asking myself "why didn't I offer my friend a hug last time I saw him? had I known it was the last time I'd see him, I would have..." and "why didn't he feel loved enough to stick around to see how this life played out?" and "what can I do to make sure I'm never in the position his mother is in right now?"
Lots of questions and not many answers - lots of admiration for those who have gone through heartache, lived in abusive homes, overcome difficult childhoods, fought through depression, and are still around to go out for coffee with their friends. On that note - if you know of someone who is at risk for suicide, please know there is a resource - someone with more answers than questions: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
I'm headed to bed and on the way I'm going to hug my babies a little tighter, pull those blankets up and tuck them under their chins, and then tell my husband how much I love him and that I am thankful God brought us together.
I'm thankful for each of you too - thanks for reading, leaving notes, and letting me know that you care. I hope you know I care about you too. May your paths be abundantly filled with lemons, sugar, sunshine, and phone calls filled with laughter instead of tears.
Love and Hugs,
~Crystal
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