Yesterday I received an updated email regarding my pregnancy. The email said that the baby was the size of a lemon. At the time, I didn't think much about the comparison since each week there was some talk of food. The size of a walnut, the size of a this or that...and until this very moment, I didn't realize just how appropriate the lemony reference was. Let me explain...
At 2pm today, my husband my son and I walked into the clinic for our scheduled OB appointment. I was 12 weeks pregnant and we were all very excited about hearing the baby's heartbeat and sharing a special family moment. We waiting patiently and then the big moment arrived. The doctor pulled out the electronic stethescope to listen to the heart beat. He had trouble finding it which wasn't all that concerning. He asked the nurse to bring in an ultrasound machine and then a special vaginal ultrasound machine. It was obvious there was a problem. There was a large pink elephant in the middle of the room wearing a polka dot too too and everyone was afraid to acknowledge it.
Dr.: "It doesn't seem like you're as far along as you think"
Crystal: "So - the baby is small? But is there a heartbeat?"
Dr.: "I haven't found it yet."
silence....
deafening silence...
damn pink elephant....
tears rolling down my face as I squeeze my husband's hand for dear life and my son gives me a hug and says 'mommy I love you'
Crystal: "Just say it - just tell me...I already know something is wrong"
Dr.: "Nikki - please take the little guy out to color or something"
Andre: "Mommy, why are you crying"
Mark: "It's okay Andre, just go with the nice lady"
Dr.: "It looks like the baby died at about 8 weeks - so approximately 4 weeks ago"
Crystal: sobbing...."now what?"
sobbing
God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change. God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change. God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.
I had always said that I wasn't afraid to tell people when I was pregnant. I didn't want to be the girl that kept it a secret until 12 weeks because life begins at conception and even a life that is short lived should be celebrated just as much as that of a 110 year old. Now I really had to be strong in that conviction. How would I tell everyone and would they understand? Would they mourn with us just as they had rejoiced with us? Would they blame me? Would they say it's what I deserve for being an imperfect person?
It's really just as simple as the way we explained it to the children.
God needed another angel and he looked at you (Carmen and Andre) and he saw how amazing, beautiful, and caring you are. He said "I want an angel like that to snuggle with, to sing in my choirs, and to bring laughter to my house" and he took baby Jackson (the boy name we had picked out) to be with him. Baby Jackson is now Angel Jackson and he is bouncing on Grandpa Andre's knee and giggling. And someday Mommy and Daddy will join them in heaven and Mommy can run her fingers through his hair and kiss his perfect lips. But for now, Mommy had 8 amazing weeks where she sang to him and let him know that he was loved with absolutely all her heart by Mommy, Daddy, and his big brother and sister.
It's just that simple - God understands and I don't have to. The amazing part is how deeply you can fall in love with something so little - something that gives you absolutely nothing in return. When a parent says "I love you more than you'll ever know" they just might be right. I don't love baby Jackson any less than I love my other children and I smile as I picture him bouncing on his grandfather's knee. He may have been lemon sized, but he was the loveliest lemon in his mommy's eyes.
May your paths be abundantly filled with lemons, sugar, sunshine, and may those lemons be the loveliest lemons you can find.
~Crystal
Oh honey!! As always that was so eloquent!!! I'm here crying with you remembering my own Angelbaby. Love sweetie! You are definitely in my prayers. Janet Sjurseth
ReplyDeleteThis story has such a happy ending - maybe happy isn't a great choice of words - how about bitter sweet? Here's an update that only solidifies my faith in our loving God and Father:
ReplyDeleteI am pregnant! Mark and I are having a baby on or before September 30th 2013 and here is the amazing story of how that is possible - because if you do the math, my D&C was 12/14 and this baby is NOT due 40 weeks after that ...
I didn't get a period after the d&c and we were waiting patiently, but we were told not to try to conceive until after I had 2 periods. The day before valentines day I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. We were floored, we didn't have intercourse until mid-January and when we did, we used protection. The Dr. had scared me explaining that if we didn't wait 2 periods we would have an increased chance at yet another loss ... I couldn't bear the thought so of course we were overly cautious. The positive test was crazy and I was scared that it might be bad news that something hadn't been removed or that my body was doing something weird ... anyway, I saw the Dr. within days and he did a blood draw to check my hormone levels. He said: you are 6-8 weeks pregnant meaning the baby would have been conceived as early as the same day I had the d&c - I was confused. I explained our sexual activity to the Dr and he said: it could be 3 things: 1) you've already said can't be true, but you're 6-8 weeks pregnant with a single child, 2) you're 3-4 weeks pregnant with twins, or 3) there was some of the placenta left behind that has become cancerous and is throwing off the tests ... of course, you can imagine how scared I was. We scheduled the ultrasound to find out. The ultrasound showed that I was 7 weeks 2 days pregnant. The new baby was conceived 3 days after my d&c. I had lots of questions, because how could we have conceived without having intercourse? I've since learned that there is a 7-11 day window between fertilization and implanation and implantation is what we commonly refer to as 'conception' so ... this baby was created the night before the d&c and she/he hung out in my tube until after the d&c and then implanted. I am already 15 weeks and at my last ultrasound we say a heartbeat, feet, a chubby tummy, and arms - it's such a miracle. I don't know if it's a boy or girl yet, but I call her 'grace' because if not for the grace of God, we wouldn't have this little blessing. She will always know about her big brother Jackson who paved the way for her - now we know he didn't die in vain either, because she wouldn't be here if he hadn't been taken to heaven. I am still nervous, but I pray - mostly prayers of thanksgiving for this amazing blessing!
Crystal my dear, I could hardly read your story through the tears. It is a beautiful story and you explained it all so wonderfully. You were right. Your story seems to be beginning to have an effect on me. At this point, I don't know if I will be able to overcome the sorrows of my past, but I do feel more hopeful that change is coming and I may soon be off that fence. Thank you so much for sharing this post.
ReplyDelete~Julie