Remember when you thought 30 was old? Well here we are - 41 trips around the sun, 6 beautiful children (one still in diapers), and not only were you WAY wrong on 30 being old, but 41 doesn't feel so bad either. I am cautiously covering up a few grey hairs and I don't wear bootie shorts out of the house anymore, but this isn't the worst gig. You should go ahead and enjoy shaking dice and doing shots though - because hangovers aren't quite as easy to recover from (not sure if it's the age or the number of children). I don't have any advice for you - I look back and though I'm not proud of each and every decision I made, they got me where I am today. You will find your knight in shining armor (so keep kissing idiots in tin foil). You will figure out how to bake a loaf of bread (and your thighs may not appreciate the new skill). You'll survive sleepless nights with new babies (and secretly love each and every moment - knowing you are someone's every thing). You'll even learn to love your body and all it's imperfections! I suppose that brings me to some advice - not a lecture though -
Be nicer to yourself. Someday you'll look back and think "I was so thin" even though at the moment you are thinking "I'm so fat" - it won't really make sense until you are my age and your boobs no longer stay where you expect them too without massive amounts of hardware and you laugh at the mere thought of wearing a thong. You should also be nicer to your mother - but that won't make sense until you ARE a mother either. You have that sign in your kitchen that says "be nice or go home" and honestly young lady, it would do you some good to be nicer to yourself and your mama!
Last but not least - I love you. I love all those hard night you felt all alone. I love you when your heart was breaking. I love you when you were making decisions and you felt so incredibly small but you did the hard things. I love that you never gave up. I love that everything you endured got me here. You did all the hard shit with your head held high and now it's my turn to carry the load - I'm not old though my dear, but I am a bit wiser than you. Keep loving with everything you've got! Keep enjoying everything life has to offer!
Love, Hugs, and Happy Birthday from 41!!
Dear Older (80 something year old) Self:
I hope you know all these pictures I'm taking are for you? I don't want you to forget the smell of fresh cut grass, baby breath in the morning, breastmilk kisses, baby poop, Mark's cologne, and even that distinct smell of Andre and Breccan's room (kind of like a sandbox and a gym locker). I don't want you to forget what each of the children looks like before those first teeth come in. I want you to remember every first day of school, each graduation, every ball game, swim meet, and band concert. I'm enjoying them so much and the truth is, the thought of those memories growing faint is terrifying. I make sure to get my steps in each day and eat right so you can enjoy those grandbabies and great grandbabies that seem so far off in my 41 year old mind. I love each of your wrinkles, each of your smile lines, and each of those knowing glances you'll give the kids when they bring those little bundles of joy to visit you. I'm sorry they don't visit more often, but I hope you'll enjoy all the little memories and keepsakes I've tucked away for you!
Love, Hugs, and Happy Birthday from 41!
This is my very first time reading one of your blogs, considering that this is my first active day on this site and I must say...as a struggling nineteen year old, I am motivated to be alive. I loved the way you chose what age to address because I am two months away from turning twenty. I needed to hear that even though it was addressed towards yourself. I am so glad to have found this. I will be binging on your work :)
ReplyDelete