Friday, January 13, 2017
Crawling Out of the Dark
I shared my story in a video today, but it's been so long for me. I'm not really sure what advice I can offer. All I can say is I've been there and I know too well the dark feelings. That internal voice telling you that you failed at something really important. The anxious feeling of not wanting to run into that person, but the simultaneous longing to see them. I drank too much, I didn't give myself enough credit for being strong and beautiful, and I did a lot of things wrong. Despite all that, I did some things right...
I put everything in storage that mattered (that was 2 totes of clothes and books) and I lived on a boat. I'm not recommending that you do that, but what I found on the water was this:
I found myself alone with my thoughts.
I found myself uncomfortable being alone.
I found myself uncomfortable with my thoughts.
I found myself uncomfortable with my inner voice.
I sat on a picnic bench in the middle of the night and I smoked a cigarette while staring at the carferry as it docked. The large boat looked majestic, steady, and seaworthy and yet graceful and mysterious.
An older woman stopped to chat. This became a nightly ritual.
I found myself with a friend.
I shared my thoughts.
I was no longer alone.
I became part of a community.
I found my voice.
When the summer and the boating season ended, I found myself healing. I started to realize my worth and I learned to love my voice, my body, and I started to appreciate the solitude.
It took nearly a decade before I became the confident woman who you see now. It took a village. It took a lot of tears.
It took a lot of listening ears and the wisdom of women with gray hair and laugh lines. It took the encouragement from people who were then where I am now. Sometimes you just need to hear "I've been there, and in time you'll move beyond this"
Please leave a comment that you think might help a mama going through this darkness - what advice can you give to help her crawl out and dance?
May your paths be abundantly filled with lemons, sugar, sunshine, and support!
You can find Crystal riding unicorns, taking the ordinary and giving it a little extra (making it extraordinary), blogging and reviewing books, baby carriers, cloth diapers, and all sorts of other stuff here as well as at: http://muffin.wow-womenonwriting.com/ When she's not doing that, she's baking bread and cookies for her friends and neighbors. She says "the coffee is always hot and you're always welcome here!"