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Friday, September 7, 2012

I Am Afraid That...(journal entry 6)

Yikes - I read this journal prompt a few times before putting my pen to paper (for those who are curious, I journal with a pen and paper first and then refine the information a bit before blogging. there's something amazing about watching the pen on the paper, the rhythm of the strokes,'s like a dance). Today's journal challenge is a fill in the blank:

1-I am afraid that ___________
2-Because (the worst possible thing that will happen)______________
3-It is _______ percent likely that this will happen
4-If this happened, here's what action I would take _________
5-I feel ______ percent equipped to handle this if it came to pass

And here's the story that came from this exercise:

Ten years ago, my biggest fear was the man in my life leaving me. I was afraid I would have to get comfortable in my own skin, because I might find out that I'm not the person my parents raised me to be. It was 100% likely that the man would leave, because that's just what men do when you're bitchy, confused, and not confident. It happened, I moved on and I was 100% equipped to handle that situation. (I obviously didn't know all that at the time....but now I do)

That was easy to write, because it's behind me and I learned from it. Here's the tough one...

Today, my biggest fear is that one or both of my children will die, because it is my job to keep them safe and regardless of the cause of death, I will have failed. I am afraid that if both of them died I would take my own life because I would want to be in heaven with them. I am afraid that if one of the two children died I would not be strong enough emotionally to give enough support to the surviving child. I am afraid that I would go to ridiculous lengths to save my child. I am particularly afraid that the children will die of cancer.

Each year is the US there are approximately 13,400 children between the ages of birth and 19 years of age who are diagnosed with cancer. About one in 300 boys and one in 333 girls will develop cancer before their 20th birthday. I like to think it is unlikely that one or both of my children will be diagnosed or die of cancer, but statistically, it is more like 20% that they will...

If one of the children were diagnosed with cancer or died, I would take every action possible to make their quality of life the absolute best it could be. I could see myself pulling both children out of school and touring Europe, sky diving, and driving across the country  - (and driving us into the poor house) so that each and every moment could be amazing, beautiful, and memorable for all of us.

I know that God has given me faith, strength, and patience so I could deal with whatever comes our way - I just pray the same prayer that brought me so much peace when my Dad was ill and when he passed away:

God, give me the grace to accept with serenity
The things that cannot be changed
Courage to change the things
Which should be changed
And Wisdom to distinguish one from another.

and on that note......

May your paths be abundantly filled with lemons, sugar, sunshine, and may you never have to face your fears on anything more than a piece of paper. ~Crystal

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